Project Aladdin Journal 04-01-2002

Hello, everyone. Happy Easter! Jackson just called me on his cell phone. He sounded worried.

"Patrick, we need to talk about this project," he said. "I'm starting to have my doubts."

"What do you mean?"

"It all seems a little farfetched to me."

"What? You've been with this project so long. Why are you backing out now?"

"Be reasonable, Patrick. Am I supposed to believe that you're really talking to your great-granddaughter? That's just not rational. You need to give me some evidence."

"But I showed you the E-mails Christine has sent me. I showed you the predictions she made. The parking ticket..."

"I'm a rational person," he said, cutting me off. "I can't just go in for every bizarre theory someone puts in front of me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go. I'm leading my horses to water." He hung up.

Well, it looks like Jackson is out of the project. Too bad. I enjoyed his witty banter, and he made great barbecue sauce.

Here is today's message from Christine:

I was talking with Dr. al-Batal and some of the other scientists from Project Aladdin. We've decided to just bag the whole causality thing and reveal the future to you. Join me as I gaze into my crystal ball....whoooooooo...damn it, Mohammed, just making that stupid whistling noise.

First of all, for you, Patrick: you did go to seminary and become an ordained minister. You appeared in the 2006 Men of Methodism swimsuit calendar. As a result of that photo shoot, you met your wife, a goat herder from Kazakhstan. You had many happy years together. You had two beautiful children and one ugly child.

Meaghan continued to develop her theories of particle physics and her solo career as a reggae singer. In 2015, her unified field theory and her cover of Burning Spear's "Marcus Garvey" allowed her to become the first straight woman ever to win a Nobel Prize and a Grammy in the same year.

Jackson was bitten by a radioactive spider and joined Ross Perot's presidential campaign. The country has never forgiven him.

Kelly and Jennifer became lovers and moved to Kentucky, where gay marriage was legalized in 2005. They became the proud parents of two daughters and 800,000 cats. Stephen Spielberg made a movie about their lives.

Joe Painter does not actually exist. Someone in Nepal woke up and realized it was all a dream.

Dave Sizemore took over as the new host of "The Jerry Springer Show" when President Stimpy appointed Springer as Secretary of Education. Next week on "The Dave Sizemore Show" - "My teenage daughter is a cross-dressing vampire slut for the Klan!"

A quick segue into world events: Due to a massive balloting error, every vote cast for George W. Bush in the 2004 election actually went to TV's Stimpy. No one noticed. President Stimpy's first act was to name Bill Nye presidential science advisor, replacing Dr. Strangelove.

The Middle East finally acheived peace after Ariel Sharon and Yasser Arafat appeared on that special episode of "Mister Rogers Neighborhood." It was quite touching to hear Arafat singing "You Are Special" to Sharon.

A few other comments about the people involved with your project:

Dr. D invented the world's first artifical intelligence soap dispenser. He used the money to buy the Microsoft Corporation, finally fixed the bugs in Windows 15, and declared himself supreme dictator of the world. All hail Dr. D the Omnipotent!

Sadly, Bob and SoundByte were lost in that terrible disaster in Buffalo involving the fire hose, the gerbil, and the Goodyear blimp. There was nothing you could do; you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Space Turtel, you will live a long, happy life, but you really should stay out of day trading in the alligator dung markets. Oh, well, you don't need money, food, or pants to be happy, right?

Captain Zot, by the time you finish reading this...

What the hell are you talking about, Ms. Cevallos? Put down that crack pipe! That's mine!

...sorry, where was I? Oh, yes.

Kilroy, you were here. But not anymore.

Ford Prefect, you were redeisnged for the new model year and sold as a Mercury Sable.

Gretchen, it's spelled Luxury Yacht, but it's pronounced Throat Warbler Mangrove.

Nimrod, if you ever meet someone named Lisa or Leslie, run screaming. And just for the record, she's not an undercover cop, she's a prostitute.

Eos, why are you still reading this? Get back to work!

By the way, six six-legged robots just broke in here demanding to talk to you. They say they're friends of yours. One of them keeps rearranging the rocks in my office.

That's all for now. Carry on, keep a stiff upper lip, pip, pip, cherrio, and all that rot.

All hail Dr. D the Omnipotent!

Enjoy, all. Smell you later!


Project Aladdin Journal 04-01-2002

SoundByte here.


And I've never spent more than a day at a time in Buffalo, thank you. It's my friend Bob who lived in that benighted place for four years before moving back down the road. Don't know how he emerged alive and sentient! And I know he never even had a gerbil; in fact he's a dog man. I believe he even thinks dogs are morally superior beings to humans.

My compliments to Christine, that she hasn't lost her warped sense of humor in the middle of crisis.

Take care.

> Space Turtel, you will live a long, happy life,

Cool. Long is good, but only if it is happy and healthy. I do want to be an Old Grampa Turtel someday.

> but you really should stay out of day trading in the alligator dung markets.

Dammit! That was supposed to be a secret part of my plan to take over and rule the world. Of course, now that I know about "The Omnipotent Dr D" I suppose that dream is shot to hell. Thanks Dr D! 8^P

> Oh, well, you don't need money, food, or pants to be happy, right?

Pants? I'm not wearing any pants... Oops, I wasn't supposed to say anything about that, was I? Never mind.


PS: My good friend Lirpa Sloof says Hello to everyone at Project Aladdin.

Captain Zot here...
It's good to see that April Fool's jokes continue into the future.

That is, I hope it was a joke. It would be a shame if something really happened while I was still rea